Self Love

I'm writing this post in Byron Bay after living off carbs in the form of pasta and bread for 3 days as a result of my limited cooking abilities. On top of that, I am not in the best shape of my life. I always thought that if I were going to write some big long self-love kind of post I would need to be in a place where I was perfectly happy with my body. Yet here we are, I am writing this post not to share a major fitness transformation or to feed you some bullshit about loving yourself no matter what you look like. I'm here to just give you a little bit on insight into my own personal experience with body image, self-love, self-loathing and everything in between. I'm going to begin by saying that I have not met a single person in my almost 21 years of existence that is completely satisfied with themselves. And you know what. That's okay. I think half the problem we face is putting so much pressure on ourselves to like everything about our bodies and our minds, but I think it's okay to want to improve yourself physically and mentally, it's good to set goals and be motivated. It just has to be for the right reasons. I think I've been telling myself since at least the age of 14 that my body wasn't good enough. I was a slim girl, perfect skin, no scars, no marks, no moles. But yet, I told myself 'I'm not skinny enough, tan enough, tall enough, funny enough, pretty enough'. Then came 15, when my face was ridden with cystic acne. I didn't want to go out. I started wearing makeup and didn't want to be seen without it. I started straightening my hair. I began puberty, I started gaining weight despite eating and exercising the same way I always had. I was the most self-concious I've ever been and I wondered why I didn't appreciate my good skin and slim figure when I had it. My acne began to clear thanks to medication and I was exercising more than ever. I was happy with my body, happy with my skin. But now it was my personality that played on my mind. Was I too shy? Too quiet? Too boring? Why didn't boys like me? Why couldn't I find a friend group at school to fit in with. It didn't matter that I looked the way I had wanted to years prior. I had the lowest self-esteem at this point. Then came year 10. An increased work load at school and more and more pressure to do well and figure out where I'm going with my life. I turned to food for comfort and a form of procrastination. I gained weight again. Mid year I had planned a trip to Hawaii. I was almost 16 and I told myself I had to lose weight before this trip in order to enjoy myself. I kept telling myself I was going to start Monday, this is going to be my last cheat meal. And, as I'm sure a lot of you know, the cycle continued this way until my Hawaii trip crept up on me and I had not lost any weight, if anything I'd gained weight from binging. It seems so silly now that something that was meant to be so exciting and a time to relax induced so much self-loathing and anxiety within me. I think my mindset ruined that trip. At almost 17, I had my first kiss and my first boyfriend. I was still learning to love my own body and my own mind which made it difficult to let someone else in to appreciate these things. At first it made me uncomfortable to receive compliments, to be touched, to be admired. But after a while I let go, I accepted more compliments and I started to believe them. It made me feel so free and so loved. But it still wasn't enough. Now I felt like I had to get validation from someone else, in order to appreciate myself. I needed someone else to tell me I was beautiful before I could believe it. After my first relationship ended I became enthralled with the world of online dating. Over the years I had built up a bit of self confidence. I felt good enough about myself to meet people, put myself out there. But ultimately I was still looking for that validation from another person. I would get validation for a little while after I met someone. It made me feel good and special for someone to think I was beautiful and interesting. But what happens when you put your self-worth into the hands of someone else is that they can look after it, but they can just as easily crush it. This happened to me time and time again, one step forward and about 10 steps back. I left each relationship feeling worse than I did before. Because I had let myself believe that the opinion of some boy on tinder was all I was worth. Now, I know this all sounds extremely dramatic, and I know there are worse things in the world. But bear with me. Let's talk about how I feel about myself today. I'm grateful for my body, for my health, for my legs that work and my heart that beats and my lungs that pump oxygen through my veins every minute of every day. I think I owe part of this type of self-love to my studies. I began studying Biomedical Science straight out of school. Not really what I wanted to do. But it was something that I found somewhat interesting so I went with it. Learning in depth about how complex our bodies are, how perfectly planned every move, every breath, every thought pattern is, was incredible. I was in awe of us as humans, of plants, of animals, it was incredible to think of all the things my body does to keep me healthy and protected and I began to be so grateful for my good health. I think as I got older, and after leaving high school I had left behind a lot of self doubt. Which was good, but this also came with a new influx of doubts. To this day I am still up and down. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I'm not particularly fond of my studies anymore. I know I'm intelligent but I still feel as though I need a degree to prove this. Clearly I still feel as though I need external validation, for my looks, my feelings, my choices. Everything. I wish I had some kind of quick fix or guide I could suggest to you. But I don't. All I can do is share my own thoughts and feelings in the hope of someone finding comfort in the fact that they are not alone. In fact every single human on the planet has thoughts of self-doubt and self-loathing, it's what makes us just that, human. I find it important to take time out for myself. You need to treat yourself with respect. Eat a salad because you love your body, not because you hate it. On the same note, eat some chocolate without criticising yourself. Read books, watch movies, paint, draw. Do whatever you need to do to stay grounded, to give your mind a rest. You're allowed to have up days and down days. You're allowed to make mistakes and figure out things that work for you. For me, being creative is one of the most important outlets I have for keeping myself mentally healthy. In the past I put so much pressure on myself to perform at school and uni that I neglected this creativity which resulted in a poor mental state which was only resolved by allowing myself to indulge in my creative hobbies. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't be afraid of trying something different. You know yourself better than anyone and you know what you need to feel happy and secure. One final note. I thought I should address the photos you see in this post. They are something I took with the intention of looking like some instagram models I've seen in their undies with no cellulite, no stretch marks, perfectly sculpted abs and beautiful skin. One day I hope that I can post photos like this unedited. As you can tell, these photos have been edited, not with facetune mind you. But I wouldn't have felt comfortable posting these without grain effect or makeup on. At this point I'm unsure if it's because I'm expressing my creativity or because I want to appear more 'perfect' than I really am. But either way, there are some photos in this series that are not my favourites and that I would normally delete straight away. There are a lot of photos of my legs which are my least favourite part of my body. But I think that having looked at these photographs and analysing them in detail. I realise that the cellulite and texture and stretch marks on my legs are okay and are things that I definitely will be noticing more than anyone else. I hope today's post has been somewhat interesting and you have managed to keep up with this brain dump of a post with only minor confusion. Until next time, Sim xx